What a difference a week makes!  

At last, the weather has changed. Thank you Lauren’s Aigle wellies for being indestructible. You have been under daily assault for months on a child who doesn’t consider a puddle worth jumping in unless it can go over the top of the boots, and you have survived..

I am a bit too indulgent in Lauren’s puddle splashing habit but it definitely cheers passers-by up on a grey day. We get a lot of chuckles and positive remarks! Actually the scooter is just a talking point in general. Today, several people stopped to comment on how fast Lauren was scooting. One woman went in to panic mode and shouted ‘where’s your  mummy?’ a few times as Lauren almost flew past her down a long hill in the park. She clearly thought no accompanied child would be allowed to zoom at such speed. Well, I was about 30 meters behind her with absolutely no chance of catching up; she really was going heart-in-my-mouth fast.  Still, it looked like she was having the time of her life, so it can’t be that terrible to let her get on with it. Arguably.

Why are there so many controversial issues when it comes to child-rearing?……..

Hamish had to go in for his 3 months jabs.  I walk in to the nurse’s room.

‘Are you the mother?’ she barks.

‘Er, yes’. I reply. Why does she think there is a possibility I am not? Surely I look too tired to be anything but the mother.

‘Good.  I hate it when they send the nanny.’

‘Mmmm’ I murmur non-committally, thinking,’ God, I nearly sent the nanny.’

But really, it’s a little bit judgemental on her part.  After all, if you have a nanny, it’s because you’re at work and it seems a bit extreme to take time off for a procedure that takes under two minutes, particularly if, like in my case, the children adore their nanny anyway, so it’s a hardly a hardship to be ‘left’ with her.

Hamish was traumatised it’s true, but that’s because I woke him up from a nap.  Evil. Once the injection had taken place, he cried for 30 seconds and was back in his buggy and asleep in sub one minute.  So, perhaps rather than drafting some legislation to give mothers the right to parental leave in the case of baby jabs, we can keep a little perspective here!!

Anyway, luckily I passed that test and I did take Hamish to the doctors myself.  Really, it’s just another example of me being a pretty amazing mother in many ways. I am actually thinking of writing a few parenting books to help other parents, who may be struggling without the sort of intuitive style I am lucky enough to have been blessed with. Here are some of the titles I am working on…..

How to Potty Train in 6 Months

100 Dishes with Lentils and 100 Bribes to Make Them Eat.

Travel Light with Kids (and Never Have Anything You Need)

Manage you time better: Typing while Breastfeeding

How to Make Friends and Influence People: A Guide to Scooters and Your Buggy on the High Street

As you can see, the potential is huge. Look out Gina Ford. Routine Schmootine. Modern childcare is all about embracing the chaos.

Finally, I don’t like to crowbar in Trotters adverts too often but really, if you have a little girl and you don’t have a Tangle Teaser, all I can say is get one. They are honestly incredible. Lauren’s hair usually has a horrible little hedgerow section at the back that a comb simply doesn’t touch. The Tangle Teaser just goes straight through it and her hair looks like normal, nice hair. It’s astounding. This is a genuine before and after. I don’t think I have ever spent a better £12.99. 

A morning in my life…….

Wake up at 6am. This is a time of day generally considered night time by most sane people before they become parents. Once you are a parent, 6am is very much late morning. So, a baby who ‘sleeps through the night’ does this from 11pm to 6am. My baby, being only 10 weeks, is far from sleeping through the night. He is still in the ‘wake up once, or even twice’ stage. This is completely to be expected but that doesn’t stop it being truly terrible. All mothers know this.

As he’s probably not even that hungry given that I fed him at 2am and 4am and now it’s 6am, he’s dozing. So am I. This lasts for about 45 minutes. Then child senior awakes. I am greeted with her standard morning call at the top of her voice.

“I WANT MY PEOPLE!!!”

We are unsure as to why she shouts this other than she clearly views us as a sort of entourage there to fulfil every whim.

“OK”. I shout down. “I am coming”

I am not really. I am fobbing her off. I am still in bed. There is quiet for a couple of minutes.

“I WANT my people.”  This time a bit more whingey. Ignore her.

Prop baby up on the pillows and hope he’s had enough milk to keep quiet for a bit. Jump in the shower. Blissful 10 minutes in the bathroom on my own with the door closed. Wash, brush hair, mascara, go!

Get dressed while shouting some more pacifiers down to the noisy one. Hear a disturbing bottom noise from baby. Change baby’s nappy. And clothes. Get the Vanish stick out and clean baby’s clothes. Noisy Lauren can no longer be pacified. Run downstairs and get her.  All 300(ish) Jelly Cat toys have been thrown out of her bed along with her onesie and nappy.

“I’m a naked child” she bellows. Then “I want my OTHER people.”

“Daddy’s gone to work already” I tell her.

“Oh” she says sadly. “Where’s Hay-meee? I want Haymeeee”.

So up we go. I attempt to start feeding Hamish again. While Lauren decides all she wants to do is cuddle and kiss her little brother and cannot be distracted in to doing anything else.  Hamish not too keen on being bearhugged whilst having his breakfast.

Leave Hamish on bed and take Lauren downstairs for breakfast.

“Hot or cold milk, Lauren?”

“Warm”

“Rice Pops or Cinnamons?”

“Weetabix”

“Do you want banana on top?”

“Yes but only in circles”.

For goodness sake.

Finally fulfil demands and sit her down to eat. Get my breakfast. Eat it whilst unloading the washing machine, hanging clothes onto clotheshorse and shouting to Lauren I’ll be through in a minute.

Hear the key in the door. Thank goodness for that. Tama has arrived to take over childcare.

Kiss children goodbye. Feel a little sad to leave (WHY?!!!), leave, feel quite a lot of relief (rational) and hurry to tube hoping to get a seat so I can have a little rest before work.

Next time someone tells me I am mad to be back at work so early, I shall direct them to this post.

Trotters plane, now boarding!

As well as going to work, one of my other major tactics in staying sane is spending as little time as possible in the house to prevent the ‘bomb gone off’ look otherwise achieved by the end of the day spent at home.  So here are the three of us enjoying an afternoon out at Lauren’s favourite store in Westfield! (Although Accessorise came a close second this time due to the fascinating fascinators which had to be tried on in turn!)

Trying out a few fascinators …

You always hear people saying that second babies are easier. For me, it’s true! Hamish is so easy to please. He has a little sleepy, wakes up, gets his milk until he’s so full his eyes start rolling in a milk-drunk way, then he lies smiling until he goes back to sleep. He is like this most of the time. He is generally content.

By stark comparison, my daughter is generally malcontent. There are literally SO many things in her life that can annoy her. I can for example, do up the popper on her boot when she wanted to. Meltdown. Suki, her nanny’s dog, can go through the door first, even though SHE wanted to go first. Big mistake. Daddy can have the temerity to join in with a song she starts singing. Uh-oh.

Recently, I took Lauren to a trial ballet class. Wouldn’t it be nice, I thought, to start Lauren with a little hobby that I can take her to without her brother and she can practice and improve at? Well, yes it would have been nice but we shan’t be going back.

At this class, mummies don’t watch. They sit in another room. Except this mummy. This mummy wasn’t allowed to leave. Teacher had obviously seen these first time nerves before, so encouraged Lauren to stay and told me to remain in the room. Lauren though, took this as a good reason to sit on my knee and join in with nothing. In fact, the only activities she managed for the whole class were picking her nose and flying into a rage every time I suggested she joined in. She did manage to go up to the teacher at the end when the stickers were being given out to get hers.

Miss contrary (should have named her Mary) then proceeded to name and perform all the dance moves she had seen in the class when we got home! She did also (slightly sadly) say a few days later when I brought the subject up that ‘she didn’t have a ballet dress on’. All the other little girls did and clearly this was an issue!!! Anyway, as I said, that ‘trial’ really was a trial and we won’t be needing to buy a tutu but if we had, I would have gone no further than Trotters. The gorgeous Desdemona tutu we sell for ages 2-8 is one of our all time best sellers and we also stock Bloch ballet shoes as well as ballet tights.

One final example……

Go out with friends for lunch. The children’s menu is, as ever, fish fingers, chicken nuggets or a tomato pasta. As a little vegetarian, pasta it is. (Note to pubs/cafes – children can eat proper food). So, the pasta is macaroni. I tell Lauren this.

‘I don’t WANT macaroni’ she says. ‘I want different pasta.’

‘Well, it is macaroni. You like macaroni’ I say.

‘I don’t WANT macaroni’ she says, louder this time. She then starts sort of chanting it like a mantra and also tells the waiter when he comes to take the order. How do I react to this ridiculous toddler? Do I assert myself and show her who decides these things?

No. I ask the waiter slightly pleadingly whether he could possibly substitute linguine as it was on the adult menu and am eternally grateful when he says he can. (Thank you Old Ship at Hammersmith).

Then I took a long, hard look at myself and realised I am ridiculous. We should not negotiate with terrorists! (Sorry, toddlers). It might make for an easier time short term but it isn’t a good idea. I heard Kirsty Young talking about interviewing her guests on Desert Island Discs and her saying that many of them had difficult childhoods and that adversity led them to achieve the things they have. On that basis, Lauren is going to be lucky to get a 2:2 in Media Studies from Thames Valley University.

Although, in a follow up to last week’s potty training blog, I did make her sit in wet trousers all the way home to teach her a lesson for wetting herself AGAIN when we were out. Not sure it made any difference to her potty habits but perhaps that 2:1 could be in sight after all.

However contrary she might be though, seeing Dunwoody only ever provokes one reaction – pure joy. So, when we bumped in to him on Chiswick High Rd at the weekend, it was a major treat!